thoughts

Noted

I was determined to keep the news of my resignation within the team until management decides who will replace me. Unfortunately, one of my colleagues asked me when will my last day in the office be while exiting a meeting room. Of course the rest of the folks in that meeting room heard what we talked about and now the news isn’t contained within our team anymore. That meeting was a process cascade I’ve been doing since May and I was trying to keep things quiet to avoid unnecessary comments. It still happened though.

During the session, one concern was raised to me and I had to answer “Noted” because: one, I do not want to comment on the issue more than I’m supposed to; and two, the next step isn’t mine to execute. That answer earned a “Nag noted ka lang kasi aalis ka na,” (You just answered noted because you’re leaving anyway) and to tell you honestly, that actually hurt. I just laughed it off and told them I’m not supposed to comment anyway and we all know why then proceeded with the discussion. My train of thought became jumbled for a few seconds and my voice wavered. Good thing I was able to pick myself up and continue. After the session, I had to voice out my thoughts to my counterparts because I felt my chest was going to burst if I don’t say anything. Until I was alone, I decided to message my husband and tell him about it. He told me that I’m just overthinking and that people don’t mean it. To me, it was still below the belt.

That incident made me realize two things. First, at ten years of work experience, I thought nothing could get to me anymore, I thought that I’ve already accepted that people will always have something to say, that I won’t be able to please everyone. I thought ten years was enough to numb me to such situations or words. I was wrong. So I had to find out why, and the answer I found to myself was legacy. I didn’t want to leave loose ends, or become that employee who doesn’t care anymore cause she’s leaving anyway. I didn’t want to hear that something isn’t working out because I left it hanging. I want to exit with flying colors, at least to my standards. And that offhanded comment really got to my nerves which means I need to finish everything I want to finish or else, I won’t be getting good sleep. Second, I find it amazing that I was able to tell that to my husband without inhibitions. It’s an insecurity and telling it to another person exposes ones weakness. It just means I’m that comfortable to talk about it even though it’s me not at my best.

So to take my mind off what happened, I decided to browse for ambivert memes (lol what a solution to my emoness). I really believe that I am an ambivert because I can do the socializing shiz when needed but I also enjoy my time alone. I came across this cartoon and had two words for a reaction. IT ME.

Everyday People by Cathy Thorne

This depicts the vicious ambivert cycle and I think it’s one of the reasons why I’m into a process role instead of a technical one. Process at the start is exciting if you’re building it. Once it’s stable, it become a routine. Only then you can move to a different process and build again once you’re tired of the routine. It reminded me why I love my work because hello it’s Monday tomorrow ( I love my work. I love my work. I love my work. )

That illustration did a brain and emotion reset for me. I have 31 days left and I should make it count, push all the negativity aside and just continue what needs to be done.

P.S. I need to stop using the word “noted” and respond with more concrete actions.

Are you ready for Monday?

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